Soon they will be Nothing but Tourists

While the middle class masses of Cape Town gasped in horror and protested wildly, on facebook, about the passing of the secrecy bill the news that will have the most impact on their lives passed them by; there is talk of moving parliament out of Cape Town and into Pretoria. The real beauty about the statement and reasoning for moving parliament to Pretoria is that having it split over more than one city is that it is costing government money and affecting the efficient running of parliamentary duties. It is heartening to finally hear government admitting that things are not been run as efficiently as possible and that they are trying to find ways in which to save money. To be fair one cannot criticise the current government for the ludicrous system put in place by the previous equally inefficient apartheid government. However it is slightly amusing that within days of passing the most controversial bill in decades they finally start talking about something sensible. Could merely be to satisfy the angry middle classes?

If one looks back on the last twenty odd years of democracy the privileged few, and I mean those that were born into not those that fought for it, have been very vocal about every mistake, misdemeanour and corruption accusation that the media has printed, vocal however is the keyword. Very little else was done aside from complaints over cappuccinos, between the first and last election very little voting was done by the middle classes. Then the secrecy bill was passed and everyone became an activist, it was as if we were defending our right to complain. Cape Town, outside parliament, was a buzz of activity, well more of a low hum on “Black Tuesday” as a few creative minds came to the fore with some interesting protest ideas. However it was largely on social media platforms that the most noise was made, which is unsurprising considering the people that were making the noise.

However while everyone had their fingers in their ears and were singing loudly the residents of our fair Mother City missed the big news. The powers that BEE are planning on moving parliament out of it's Cape Town accommodation, this my fellow Capetonians is fantastic news. Just think from now on we can complain about the tourists from up north and government at the same time. While the rest of the country mourns the loss of their favourite pastime, complaining about the government us Mother City residents are being handed an opt-out on a platter.

If parliament is moved the parliamentarians become tourists and we all know how much Capetonians love to complain about tourists.              

        

The Real Wonder is that Any-body Cares.

So Table Mountain is one of the “New 7 Natural Wonders of the World.” What exactly does this mean? Well I’m not entirely sure and I’m pretty sure that Pieter De’ Villiers despite his televised enthusiasm is not entirely sure himself. I love Cape Town and part of loving Cape Town is loving the mountain, it’s compulsory, it comes with the territory. You can’t be a daughter of the Mother City and be completely indifferent to the Mother City’s largest, most obvious and frankly most popular landmark. I am super stoked that Table Mountain is recognised as one of the 7 Natural Wonders and that that Cape Town is now once again top of mind for all tourists planning a visit to South Africa. I am just suspicious of what all this means for Cape Town. Have we not been let down by enough media circus publicity stunts that promised everything and delivered nothing but disappointment and failed entrepreneurial opportunities.     

One wonders what made a Swiss born Canadian resident previously interested in aviation suddenly decided to start cataloguing the 7 Natural Wonders, especially seeing as that none of the 21 on the original list fell in Switzerland. The answer, as always in these affairs, is simple money. Now that the dust has settled and the publicity circus has left town the rather sordid truth is starting to be revealed or at least now that we have won we are actually starting to look for it. To say that some of were surprised would be an understatement, I know Table Mountain is beautiful but is it really one of the 7 natural wonders of the world. The news that it had suddenly achieved this honour compelled many people to look into the criteria that was used to choose the top 7. As it turns out it was the nations that were willing to cough up the most cash that were most likely to get their landmarks on the list.

To truly understand how deep the scam runs you need to realise that the organisation that started the Wonders of the World campaign is not endorsed in any way by UNESCO the United Nations branch that is responsible for word heritage sights. Although it was started as a non-profit organisation, it has a for profit organisation attached which is, not surprisingly, profiting from the marketing merchandising and general media tomfoolery that has surrounded this whole affair. As the financial workings of these types organisations are not disclosed under Swiss law, it is not inconceivable that they are funnelling the majority of the money they make to a subsidiary that takes care of their marketing. Essentially the non-profit organisation spends its’ profit with its marketing subsidiary which is ideally not affiliated. In this case though they are, and the marketing branch of this charade has made itself a tidy sum of money. Naturally the money making hasn’t stopped there, any marketing or promotion that involves using the tag New 7 Natural Wonders comes at a heavy price. Consider for a moment what that means, Natural Wonders are controlled, usually by a national parks board or equivalent subsidised by the government. Those funds come from the taxpayers. So as excited as everyone is now to be on this magical list let no one forget that nothing comes for nothing.                                            

            

We Get Cleese, Figuratively

Being part of the audience that John Cleese himself described as the most responsive he has ever played to makes one feel a little bit special, but one also cant doubt that this is a well-rehearsed line that he most likely delivers at the end of each show, nevertheless an evening with Cleese was well worth every cent I spent to get myself and my better half front and centre. To be honest I was not expecting the Mother City to give him such a warm reception, not that I expected it to be cold but I just wasn’t sure how popular it would be.

There were no pretentious suits or zany get ups that many other comedians prefer, slacks and a jacket were all that he needed to make an impression, very much the kind of outfit my father was wearing for the occasion although he made an impression for an entirely different reason. - Dad loves the scotch. – It was this demeanour which resonated through the entire show and permeated the theatre which made me feel as if I was spending as evening with an old friend.

The show opened with an explanation of why he had decided to forgo the relaxing twilight years he was entitled to instead tour the world entertaining audiences and talking about his long, rich and frankly amusing career. If you haven’t heard yet the reason for his tour, or so he claims, is to help him pay the excessive alimony owed to his ex-wife. While this little rant opens the show and leads into a diatribe about the ridiculous Californian legal system, the show is never dominated by it and the theme of the show predominantly follows his career. It truly was like spending an evening with an old friend that happened to know the intimate behind the scene details of your favourite show.

The show’s format was not that of the typical stand-up comedian, with rehearsed gags and one liners, or even tired observations and rehashed stories. It was a genuine and honest retelling of a life spent in the British entertainment industry during a time of massive change and transformation of the British moral code. There is no doubt that the show was well rehearsed as a true performer his timing was impeccable and his ability to improv during the Q&A at the end of the routine showed his colours as a stage performer with years of experience.    

It was an awesome experience and it was fantastic to see the Mother City welcome this icon of comedic entertainment that was so much a part of my childhood. Capetonians, in my humble opinion has always had an uncanny ability to make people chuckle so I suppose it is no surprise that Cleese was so well received.                                          

Conde Naste Awards Speaks Volumes in a Whisper

Conde Nast Traveller recently released the results of its’ 24^th annual Readers Choice Awards to find the top tourist facilities and destinations in the world. The awards are broken down into favourite country to visit, the best city on each continent, best resorts, islands and hotels. There is also has a category for readers favourite overseas city outside of the UK, in which Cape Town ranked seventh. Seventh! I was flabbergasted, dumbstruck, astounded and quite frankly insulted. Cape Town has some of the finest holiday accommodation in the world at fantastic value, with all the tourist attractions imaginable. 

When I heard the results had been released I was not in any particular rush to check them or even that anxious to see them as I just assumed the mother city would be somewhere in the top 5, beaten out by our more traditional European destinations. To be beaten by Sydney though forced me to ask serious questions about the methods by which they went about gathering this data. Evidently they ask their readers to choose their favourites based on ten criteria. This year over 28 000 readers took part; this is apparently a new record. When one considers the number of tourists that float across the sky every day, clogging up the traffic of the cities of their chosen destinations and irritating the locals by asking for directions in loud slow English, then 28000 does not seem like a particularly large amount, and the awards become seemingly inaccurate.

The key to unravelling my apparent frustration at Cape Town’s terrible placing lies in the title of the awards, The Readers Choice Awards – So who exactly is reading Conde Nast Traveller? The magazine was started by Diners Club over half a century ago with to inform its members which locations would accept their credit card. Within a few years it was accepting advertising and became a fully-fledged magazine that was soon bought by Conde Nast. It has been referred to as the Rolls Royce of magazines, which would make it’s reader, well the type of people that would drive a Rolls Royce and the first person that comes to mind is James May, who is to be honest not the type of person that would make the most of a holiday in Cape Town and therefore not the type of person that should be allowed to vote on its ranking in the worlds cities.

If you think this sounds like sour grapes you would be right, and as a life-long Cape resident grapes are something I know all about, albeit they are usually sour anyway and then pressed and put into a bottle, but grapes none the less. Funnily enough when I found out how abysmal Cape Town’s standing was a bottle of the Capes finest was exactly what I needed. I am aware that I am somewhat biased and that my affection for the Mother City may be slightly disturbing, but I really do think that the way the data was gathered does not warrant the type of brouhaha the that awards ceremony received.

The awards ceremony and the publicity that these ranking received is disturbing frankly, it was reported in CNN as well as widely talked about in online travel channels. It is phenomenal and worrying that such a tiny percentage of the tourist market can have such a massive impact on the global tourism industry. What makes this low ranking all the more difficult to stomach is that we were beaten Sydney, as if losing to those sheep loving convicts in the RWC quarter finals wasn’t bad enough they are now falsely lead to believe that they have a city which is more favoured by tourist than us. So about now you are starting to think that you have happened upon the reason for my disappointment at the awards and you would be right.                                                  

Bond Finally Finds His Mother

Well apparently I have been a bit slow on the uptake here but just in case you haven't heard; the new James Bond novel is set in Cape Town. How awesome is this, it’s just matter of time till the new Bond movie is in Cape Town. - How Did I Miss This!!! - What city in the world wouldn’t want James Bond tearing through its streets in a Bentley Continental GT, sampling its food and wine, staying in its hotels and taking sunset helicopter tours in the skies over head? A stamp of approval from 007 is worth more than a recommendation from any travel guide or holiday accommodation critic.     

The author of the 37^th Bond instalment, Jeffrey Deaver, has been visiting Cape Town for the past ten years and says he has always loved South Africa – Well who wouldn’t, honestly. He wanted to keep to the Flemming tradition of setting Bond and his antics in beautiful trendy locations, it’s a wonder Flemming never thought of this himself.

It contains all the high class attractions that Bond enjoys alongside the rugged outdoor beauty that makes for an exciting action novel. Several notable wine estates get a mention as 007 imbibes local wine as well some local dishes. Restaurants are referenced without being named and tourist attractions in and around the city make appearances. Wines that get the agents nod of approval include, Rustenberg Peter Barlow Cabernet, Graham Beck Cuvee – A personal favourite of mine so it’s nice to know I am in good company - and Cape Three Ladies. I've always liked Bond but knowing that he likes our wine makes me like him even more.  

       

Although there is nothing official it seems that there could be movie in the pipelines, parts of which will undoubtedly be filmed in the Mother City. The novel is a massive boost for Cape Town tourism and the world class image of the Mother City. A film would create priceless marketing for Cape Town. Bond films are known for their ability to stand up to the rigors of time nearly as well as the ageless hero himself. The films are watched for generations after production and are generally considered classics with only a few ever been left on the scrapheap of filmic history. This means that a Cape Town based Bond film could potentially provide decades worth of exposure for Cape Town and a serious boost to the Cape Town holiday accommodation sector.  

I personally am holding thumbs for "lights, camera, action" in Cape Town for the start of the next big Bond classic. Lets hope he leaves some gadgets behind.